The Day Of Devastated
Early 2006,Zulhilmi's started having fever so often but his condition is still in normal.No respiration problem or chest infection.I just given him a fever medicine and he's fully recovered after.His pulse rate and O2 reading from ventilator showed normal.Nothing worried me so much.The days just as usual.Even though Hilmi was sickly but the body symptoms nothing showing of the sicken.He was really a good boy never whinged as a normal kids when they're sick.I'm realised a changed obviously when he love to staring at me especially when I am get ready to sponging him every morning.It's not happens before.His eyes deeply in shines and really beats my hearts.My instinct could felt something not getting right,but I'm still want to tried hiding the truth.
Two months later,Hilmi's having fever once again.I just give him a medicine as usual and he's fine thereafter.However his fever not longer.What make me so curios why his fever was coming on and off but he didn't get any infection as before until I have to bring him to the hospital.I'm tried not to much worried because his ventilator and pulse rate of oximeter also didn't showed any signed of problem.His phlegm not disturb him so much it means I have not to suctioning him so often.Looking from his condition all was getting well and he's also not give us any problem.He's really such a good boy.He's celebrating his 4th birthday on April 9th 2006.
Around early in the morning of April 24th 2006,I'm putting him lying on his mattress and connected his pulse rate meter to him as usual.I noticed the O2 reading dropped to 92 percent and his heart beat races.It's worrying me but I'm still tried to control my feeling.I'm decide to bring him to the hospital soon after I make a call to my husband.Even I look at him,he really looks healthy and didn't have any respiration problem.When we arrives to A&E department,all the doctors and staff make any examination on him.From what they're doing it was something not well.Hilmi was not comfortable too,he deeply looks at me.It's like something he want to told me please don't let them hurts him.I'm pity and felt sorry for him.My heart runing faster and faster.After a few hours,they decides to bring him to the ICU.
Day 1 Hilmi's there,he's so tiring and easier for him to go asleep a whole day.His condition on stabled.Suddenly I felt stranged but didn't want to thinking so much.That evening when my husband arrived,he's still on sleep.The whole night,he slept very well and the nurse also do not want to disturb me.In the morning on day 2 when I wake up suddenly I felt something bad was hurting my hearts.I want to cry but I can't and it really make me so sad.I'm shaking.In the afternoon the nurse told me that Hilmi condition quite good and they want to send him to the High Dependency Ward.I'm so happy,it the signed maybe Hilmi could going home soon.In this few days Hilmi almost staring at me so deeply it like he don't want to miss his sight on me.I'm so sadden.
In High D ward nothing much changed,even from my two eyes he really looks much better and better just I'm curious,Hilmi could simply asleep.The day just passing by and I quite not feeling good.When the doctor still not give permission to discharged after 4 days,I'm thinking it was something wrong.I started to worry about him.It not the first time Hilmi was hospitalised:before....when he admitted just 3 or 4 days he will staying.One weeks almost Hilmi's staying and as usual,he's wake up in the morning of the disturbing of the nurse who wants to sponges him.Today Hilmi showing not quite comfortable and always making noise.He started to get diarrhoea and the whole day he still wake up.His fever starting on and off again till to 39 degree.Now I'm worried so much.They changes the antibiotic medicine but his fever still races till to 40 degrees.
The whole day Hilmi looks tired and pale,I'm just staying with him try to make him to fell asleep but he still waking a whole days.Not on purposely around 2 or 3 AM, how I could going to taking a nap for a several minutes near by his bed.Suddenly I become aware after sleep and I suprised when I looks at him,Hilmi face was perspire so much and his eyes not moving at all.It scary me and I called the nurse immediately.The doctor arrives and she just took his blood.Hilmi's not in good condition.Later on his body turned blue,I called the nurse and then they're alerts "Code Blue" alarms on him to emergencies.It brakes my heart so deep.They rushing on him and tried their best.My whole body was weaken and shaking.I could not holds anymore and started to cry as much as I could.I know it was something bad could be happens to him.All the doctors and staffs continues their work to save his life.He's unconscious but still in breathe with life support machine.They says his blood pressure dropped and actually his heart stopped for a few minutes before.Hilmi chances also zero.I'm still in shocked but understand what was really happens now.I call my husband and he's coming soon after.
They bring him back to the ICU and putting him on tubing to make him stabilize.As a mother I'm suffering to seeing him on that condition.His body covered with all the tube of medicines.Sometimes I could seeing his tears coming out.Lying if I said I'm not sad and afraid to lost Hilmi but I still believe in faith.The blood was coming from his nose and the nurse had to hold it using a guaze.I touch his fingers and talked often to him.My tears never stopped..Could not seeing his big eyes staring at me anymore.The reading from skrin all look normal.But the doctor told me I have to prepared because the chance for him to alive is nothing.He's just depends on the machine.We know his time was coming,nothing we can do and we put him on Gods Hand.After 3 days,Hilmi blood pressure dropped again.We have to make the desicion whether to take out all the medicine tube and let him go or just waiting for not sure if the miracles could be happened.No..it could not be happend.I and my husband don't want to make Hilmi more suffer.We agree and willing to taking out all the medicines then let be him on the life support machine.
They ask me to hold him and I held in my arms.Long time I didn't carried him till he started using ventilator and when he become bigger and bigger,it so heavy for me to carrying him myself.I missed that day.I'm trying to be strong.When his big brother Zulfadhli coming and then for the last moment he give a kiss goodbye to Hilmi.Bit by bit his pulse rate dropping and his heart stopped functioning.My tears flooded out.I'm trying to holding my sorrow and give my last kissing.No more suffering for Hilmi.We missed him so much and still in tears.We're not imagine could loss him so suddenly and in this short time.
Taking care of him and how I had to sacrifice my life for him will keep strongly in my memory box.He was our sunshines.Still remembering his smell.I keep on praying that he is happy and at peace.Mummy really..really miss you so much!!
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